I clicked ‘Publish’.

My internet disconnected.

I have no drafts of it saved.

I’m going to go cry now.

BS x

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYNESS!

No! It’s just gone too fast! TOO fast! The last time I checked was one hundred and fourteen days until New Moon.

It’s gone so fast, and I would like to thank you for being  there to hold my hand when I panicked.

And moaned.

And ranted.

And cracked some vaguely humourous jokes.

(The few of you who have actually looked at this website).

I love you! Yes, you!

Thank you for putting up with me, and my friend, and the other friend who posted all of (two-ish) blogs.

And I’m feeling very emotional, due to New Moon coming out in only eleven days (and me going to see it in 13-at the latest). We’ve been heading to this day for every single little second since when Twilight came out in cinemas. The Twilight-haters have wagged their fingers at us and rolled their eyes at us for liking such a thing. We have downloaded every single New Moon application on Facebook possible. We have squealed at every new poster come out. We have screeched at every new trailer. We broke sound barriers when we saw the New Moon posters on buses. (True story- my friend had to kick me and clap his hang over my mouth to get me to shut up.) We laughed hysterically when the first New Moon advert came on TV. We have googled for hours on end at anything, anything to keep us amused until the big day.

We deserve this.

New Moon is my favourite book of the series.

I’m no Team Jacob- in fact I don’t think I’d mind if he got ran over by a car (not Taylor Lautner- he’s pretty).

I enjoy how angsty it is.

I love how the months flip by…

October

November

December

January

and I love the ‘Waking up’ speech- you know- the one about how time passes.

I enjoy how impatient you are for Edward to come back the whole time.

I enjoy the wolfpack banter.

I enjoy Alice’s GTA.

I enjoy rescuing Edward.

I enjoy his big long speech about how much he loves her.

I just genuinely love New Moon, because it’s the most fun to read.

I cry a lot whilst reading it.

I cry even more when I read it in bed and I’m tired.

Obviously, that’s not good, but I think it’s quite wonderful crying whilst reading.

The only other books that have made me cry are;

• Twilight- the part about the letter- how she sealed away her heart.
• (I don’t cry at all during Eclipse. I throw the book around A LOT.)
• Breaking Dawn- the last part. I mean the last, last, last part. When it said ‘The End.’ I actually cried, I was so overwhelmed at this story.
• The Butterfly Lion- Michael Morpurgo.

Yeah. I know. But I was about six, so.

I’m thinking of doing a vlog or maybe just a voice recording with some photos or something, and posting it on YouTube. What do you think?

I might wear disguises!

How fun!

BS x

And I’m ginger.

Very ginger.

And I am so mad right now it’s actually shocking.

Because, certainly, I’ve googled ‘Ginger’ before and seen all the photos of ‘Ginger Kids- Help Them’ and so on, but I must say, this time I was very shocked.

When I got in from school, (it was a half day today) I got out the top of the lap and watching a TV advert based rougly around red heads, I googled again.

Only 1-2% of the planet’s population is red haired.

*Gasps*

and I am so mad right now, because I went to urbandictionary.com and typed in ‘ginger’ and read the shitty definitions.

Mhmm.

And I got mad because on that page there was an advert (which is always related to the page’s contents) about healthcare.

So what are we trying to say here? Being ginger is a disease?

Nope.

Apparently, ginger people cannot go out in the daylight- due to almost vampirish qualities.

Sigh.

Well, if you’re saying I’m vampirish, then I’m fine with that (in a slightly twisted way).

*Ahem*

and I don’t know if Stephenie Meyer meant this, but Victoria was a ginger villain.

:L

Hmm. Ah well.

I suppose I can’t really ‘Ah well’ this off, because anyone can make fun of a ginger person.

In an N-Power TV advert, one of the banners were ‘Some things you can’t choose’ and that banner was over a family of ginger people.

I’m sure anyone who has looked into this will have known about South Park’s input (‘Ginger Kids’ and ‘Kick a Ginger Day’).

Was Edward Cullen not supposed to be red haired? I’m not entirely sure.

But anyhoo, I am proud to be in the 2%, and I hope other redheads are too.

Rant over,

goodnight,

Buttcracksanta x

The title may have nothing to do with what I am about to show you.

(Small note: In that shampoo advert with Cheryl Cole, I cannot understand what the hell she is saying. Is it just me?)

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh. My. Carlisle.

Bella slaps hard I suppose.

Yep. This week has been a spoiler lover’s dream. There have been oh so many goodies leaked and given out that we could probably put together a short version of the movie. Is it not blissful?

0.O

Except if it really is like a drug to you.

Think of it this way.

• You’ve read all the books.
• You’ve read all the books at least three times.
• You now read Fanfiction because you need a change from reading the book cycle.
• You write your own Fanfiction.
• You read all Fanfictions, including the bloody awful ones.
   
• You leave a comment on a Fanfiction, and it is so funny that they put it up in their author’s note (seriously, I screamed from happiness when I saw this http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5143829/27/I_feel_like_I_already_know_you )
• You see some comments people have made on particularly famous Fanfictions, and see that they’ve written about new trailers.
• You scour the internet for its finest specimens of New Moon trailers.
• You find one and do happy dancing.
• You take happy dancing to the extreme.
• You stub your toe.
   

You see? New Moon is not only dangerous because of the cliff diving!

So this is not helping the drugged up Twilightaholics build up tension for the final show.

Talking of the final show, I am steering away from going to see New Moon on the first day. Or not. I just want to be able to hear the film over the screams of teenage girls (although my cinema is so strict that they would probably chuck the screamers out seconds after they begin to scream).

We have one of those fat guys who look like James Corden in our cinema. He either works there, or just enjoys staring at the pick and mix.

Not many people go to the pick and mix stall at our cinema. They’re scared of him.

Scared he might eat them.

And there’s always the annoyingly chavvy popcorn seller lady who can’t form a proper sentence.

“Iyt?” she nods.

“Sorry? What did you say?”

“A-iyt?” You resist the urge to scream back sorry, I don’t speak chavvish.

“Uh. I’m fine thanks, you?”

She stares at you, “Sugar or salted?”

“Two large sugared please, and three medium Cokes, please,” you ask.

“Kay,” and she goes back to playing on her phone, while shouting behind her, “Darren, she wants one salted popcorn and two large Fantas.”

You stand there with a strange expression on yor face.

Eventually, she gives you a large tray full of things you didn’t want.

“It’s forteen quid,” she says, now looking at the packets of chewing gum on the counter.

You don’t touch the tray and walk off. When you look back at her as you hand the ticket-ripper your tickets, she’s sucking Fanta through a straw, examining her phone.

*Sigh*

Who’s seen The Vampire’s Assisstant?

Tumbleweed.

I haven’t yet. I’m waiting for my homies to come home.

Buttcracksanta x

That’s exactly what I said when I saw these.

this must be from the baseball scene.. right?

where's this from? suggestions people..

Sure, we’ve seen all the official photos, artwork and trailers for everything Twilighty, so why haven’t we seen these before?

Maybe it’s just me, then I am sorry for posting pictures you’ve already seen.

This is to say sorry.

because we all love lolcats

So long origami folders.

BS x

With a crossbow.

Go on.

It’ll be fun.

Here we go.

I’m the only one left in this country! The pain. The angst. The general boringness. Spidermonkey has gone to the U of the S of the A, and Redeyes has gone to the land of camels.

Forever.

Naw. But I have goodies! Treats pumpelkins! Or the singular of that.

Because I’m too much of a lasy arse to get up off of it and interview Rob Pattinson myself, some American film news company with the most original company name  ‘Film News’ interviewed Mr. P.

I would like to disclaim all of the questions and answers that are in italics on this fine day.

How was it reuniting with Kristen Stewart for New Moon?

 “There’s a natural chemistry going on with Kristen. Even doing this sequel, it’s so easy…

I was really worried that I wouldn’t know how to do it again, but it’s so easy to play off her.

She always says that she pretty much got me the part – though I don’t really believe her!”

 What sort of arc does Edward go through this time?

 “He’s always talking in the first one. “I need to make the right decision. I need to do stuff for you, for you, for you.” And he makes a decisive move, which is to leave her, and he completely believes it’s for her own good.

But in his heart, he obviously realises it’s completely wrong. And it takes him the whole movie to realise the profundity of his mistake. So that’s what his arc his.

The world forces him to realise he needs to be with Bella, and there’s no way around it”

 So New Moon takes a similar serious approach to teen love as Twilight?

 “I think no one really knew what we were working with when Twilight happened.

And because of the in-roads we made in saying it’s not going to be a typical teen film or a sappy love story, it does allow us in the second one to have a certain degree of seriousness. Even more so.”

Chris Weitz is your new director on New Moon. How has that been?

“I really love Chris. Not only is he a good director, he’s a great guy. God, I sound like such an arse-kisser! But he actually is.

He didn’t really try and change anything. He saw what me and Kristen were doing and worked within the realms of that.”

 Do you feel trapped in a Twilight box?

“Not really. I guess I have no choice right now – because I’m contracted to do them. But they’re all going to be done quite quick.

I’ll have done three of the four by October of this year, then I’ll only have one more to do.”

The obvious comparison is Harry Potter… Do you think this is easier to make though?

“I guess it is. The Harry Potter I worked on was an 11 month shoot. I couldn’t be doing that.

I don’t know how those guys stayed sane – they’ve been doing it for 10 years. I would go completely crazy”

Have you talked to Daniel Radcliffe about this sudden fame?

“I haven’t talked to him in a while. I guess you try and stay Zen about it. You have to just learn to accept it.

I guess the whole thing is, you don’t want to wake up one day and realise you’ve turned into someone who you weren’t before and it wasn’t your choice.

That’s the only scary thing. It’s always really up to you. Most of the time, you can control it to a degree.”

What are the positives?

“Some of my friends who I grew up with are musicians and they’re involved with the Twilight soundtrack. It’s amazing what’s happened to them.

They’re doing tours of America and selling out every single show. It’s insane what you can do with that connection.

The Twilight fans are like… I don’t even think ‘devoted’ is the right word. They’re fanatical.”

It must be hard to deal with…

“It is, kind of. But you just learn to deal with it. There’s no point in being negative. If you keep going, “I hate this, I hate this”, you can’t stop it.

I was always trying to hide at the beginning of the year, but I have nothing to hide anyway!”

Do you get stopped everywhere now?

“Yeah. In weird little places… I went up to Yorkshire and I was walking down a street in Guisborough and there was one person on the street.

I looked up for one second and they said, “Hey, can I get a photo of you?” How can you have immediate recognition in Guisborough? That was very strange!”

What about all this stuff on the internet, all the gossip about you…

“I don’t really care. Everybody in my life knows what’s real and what isn’t. Apart from my mother, who seems to believe every negative thing that’s written about me!

She’s like, “I can’t believe you did this!” I’m like, “I didn’t!” And she’s like, “Yes, you did, I know you did!”"

What did your mum tick you off about?

“It was about swearing! I said, “I wasn’t even in the city” and she was, “I bet you did say that!”

She’ll literally believe a gossip magazine over her own son.”

Sigh. Parents. So you see, I have underlined some of my squeem moments.

Howsabout you let me explain? Twist some words?

• Natural chemistry. He is confused with the biology scene, or he is *cough* very close with Kristen.
• Seriousness? Does this mean mostaches?
• :O. That’s what I say. So.. Eclipse will be done filming near Halloween, and BREAKING DAWN IS COMINGG?!?!?? *hysterical shrieking*
• Robert Pattinson may have a mild case of torrettes.

Nhoo. I only had one/two/three/four/one point(s). The thing(s) about the filming/biology-chemistry/charlie-mostaches/torrettes/filming.

*Whispers*

Decipher my code before the grains of sand and Humpty Dumpty fall down.

Quiiiiiiiiick.

Squeeeal.

I’m thinking, short and snappy from now on? Whaddaya think? Unless of course I get me some spare time…

I’m thinking of giving up origami club.

BS.x

To the east of Twilight land we have a little rain coming in from Hogwarts, Robert Pattinson has been visiting Moaning Myrtle recently,- I wonder why- coming down from the north is a spot of lemon juice, to the west has been a slight thunderstorm, as the Cullens have been playing baseball, and from the south we have an intruder.

Ble- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le- le. Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

The intruder has fangs, which can mean only one of two things. He’s either a vampire or a rabbit.

‘True Blood’ has come to the UK, on Channel 4.

The man with the low voice in the American accent says, “the state side smash”. Obviously I cannot tell whether he is lying, because A- I am not from the US, and B- I cannot see whether he is blinking too rapidly or not.

So if you are from the US and can be bothered, please tell me how much of a smash True Blood was/is.

I’m about as American as a pea is straight.

Diddlyho,

True Blood details the co-existence of vampires and humans in Bon Temps, a fictional small Louisiana town. The series centers on Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), a telepathic waitress at a bar, who falls in love with vampire Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer).

Thank you Wikipedia!

STEPHEN MOYER IS A RIPOFF OF STEPHENIE MEYER! *Gasp*

…she will be suing….

'the bimbo and the fugly dude'

<True Blood stars these happy chappies.

I don’t even need to say it.

This guy is U- G- L- Y- he ain’t got no alaby, he’s ugly.

But I did.

And I’m not usually such a bitch about TV programmes, but at least I’m not throwing sand at it or pulling it’s knickers down. I’m jealous that Twilight is not a TV show.

But in a way I want to scream, “HA! SUCKERS! VAMPIRES! SUCKERS! GET IT? SUCK IT YOU NELLIES!” because if Twilight had been a TV show then I would most likely have watched it and found a mutual feeling for it, and not be waiting for New Moon to come out so deperately. Yaknowwhatimean?

This is a small debate inside myself, debating and debating about whether Friends was more popular than Twilight. And that is something I do not want to talk about because whenever that subject is brought up I feel a sudden strange urge to crawl up into a corner and cry.

But my title is not for just a terrible clichè on True Blood, because Fake Blood is a band.

It really is.

my proof.

My favourite song by them is ‘Fix your accent’.

And my guess is that it’s about a Swedish accent called Bob, and Bob had to fix a house that broke down because he was Swedish. Which is very discriminitory of the house. But maybe that’s not what it’s about.

Alas, you can also

• Buy some fake blood on Amazon
• Make your own fake blood
• Listen to Little Boots.

And a nice little story to finish off.

I was in a card shop the other day with Spidermonkey, looking at halloween things, when we spotted the calendar rack. We found the last two rare specimens of anything Twilighty, a Rob Pattinson calendar, and a New Moon calendar(I thought they only sold them online!!). We got so excited that after we were done squealing and people had stopped raising their eyebrows at us, we considered buying them. We then decided against it, we both wanted both and there was only one of each, plus we wanted other people to buy them for us. Hint, hint. So I suggested we hide them. I didn’t know why I wanted to do this, but I didn’t think if I could have them, anyone else could. So we were looking for other calendars to hide them behind, when Spidermonkey suggested we hid them behind some of the more.. unpopular specimens of calendar, because “nobody buys Cliff Richard calendars anyway.”

And there is a slightly odd insight into my life at the almost current point in time.

It’s kind of sad, isn’t it?

Love and smooches,

BS x

(P.S.- Please tell me if you are American and are a fan of True Blood.)

(P.P.S- Please tell me if you buy the Cliff Richard calendars.)

(P.P.S.- Please tell me if you are Cliff Richard.)

I have to say I hate it when sainsburys get out all their christmas stuff in september…I know its  October, but they have been out for a little while now…

I have just been shopping. Suprise Suprise. No, lets not joke. Some people can’t stop shopping…its like a drug to them..haha! Yes, anyways I was in WHS for no reason what so ever, and I came across a few books. Not just any books, the kind of books that make you go, OMG! and scream a little and flap your hands like your really hot or hurt. I shall explain these books to you and MAYBE if your lucky tell you what their called….!

Twilight: The Directors Notebook

I’m really upset with myself, I broke the first maybe. Darn. But i’m too excited to care! This is maybe my favourite one, but I don’t want to be disloyal to Robert Pattinson (scroll down) so I will say I love them all equally (o_o). This book is a very clever little pocket device that you can whip out at ANY moment and stun a friend with a pointless Twilight fact.

Yes, so I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, but I will google till’ the ends of the google’ness world to find infomation and pictures for you.

Wow! Stun me with your facts!

Here we go! Okay:

A personal, behind-the-scenes look at the making of the blockbuster film Twilight from groundbreaking director Catherine Hardwicke! This intimate full-color “notebook”, designed to replicate the one director Catherine Hardwicke kept on and off the set, takes you through the creative process that went into making Stephenie Meyer’s breathtaking novel come alive on screen – from casting to costumes, stunts to story boards. With never-before-seen notes, sketches, and photographs taken directly from the visionary director’s personal notebook, this book includes everything from her visual inspirations, to step-by-step breakdowns of action sequences, to a behind the scenes look at some of the most pivotal moments in the creation of the film, and much more. Get the inside story – this collectible notebook will be a must-have addition to every Twilight fan’s bookshelf!

A cheesy blurb thing- but I guess it says it all. I would suggest buying this…it looks good.

Twilight Companion

Yes, a little companion to Twilght. Dosen’t LOOK as much fun as The Twilight Directors notebook but trust me, look inside and you will be filled with wonderment! There is a few quizes (to find out wether you are meant to be a werewolf or wether Edward’s the man for you) and the authors own personal views on things- some of which are quite intresting. This book is good for sleepovers. Giggle Giggle, lets do a magazine quiz! No! Lets do a Twilght quiz!                 This book looks very good, and maybe you can slip it into your bday’ or xmas’ list.

The Robert Pattinson Album

Well, I think we are agreed the name says it all. Its one of those books with shiny paper inside.   Yes, so I had a quick flick through and saw LOTS of shiny, coloured pictures of a Mr. Robert Pattinson. Its tells us all about his life and his dreams- like a mini biography. This book IS one you MUST MUST MUSTTTYETY MUST have on your small bookshelve.

The Robert Pattinson: The love must NEVER die

Yes, yet another lil’ book on the Wonderful Mr. Robert Pattinson. Completely and utterly the same as the book above, excpet it’s £6 cheaper and is a hardback (The Robert Pattinson Album is a paper back and is £12.99). It looked like it had  less pictures and writing- so maybe thats why  its cheaper. I give it a GLOWING recomendation- yet another sleepover book to giggle about!

I really do hope I’ve done the books justice. One of my fav ever subjects, becuase i’m a lil’ book worm. And I will eat your apple! Nope. I jest.

Byee My lil’ Bloggeroonies.

SM

xxx

I’m just kidding you.

I’m not violent. Pah. Violent me? Naw.

I just wanted to add in the first chapter of my strange story, so maybe one of you would look it up and maybe leave me some reviews… lots of reviews.

Also, do not copy this, because I MAY WELL HUNT YOU DOWN… and kick you a little bit.

This is my compleeeete Chapter Numero Uno.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The List and the Fridge 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi.

I’m neeeeeeew! Please tell me what you think of my.. uh, interesting story. If you think it’s low enough on the crap scale then leave me comments =D

Oh, and because I’m new and don’t want anyone to shoot me..

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all characters, except Fridge, the name Solomon, Timothy, and Mrs. Jinkernickle. Oh, and the crab suit.

__________________________________________________________________________________

“Rosiiiiiiiiiiiieeeee!” I screamed to my wife as I ran up the stairs. She was sitting, brushing her hair, next to Alice who was straightening Jasper’s hair.

“Yes?” she stopped talking to Alice. I frowned at Alice.

“I thought you would play hairdresser with me today, Alice,” I pouted. I pushed my lips out further. I pouted a bit more.

“Emmett, we said Jasper was going first,” she told me. I pouted a bit more.

“Yes?” Rosalie repeated. She had begun brushing her hair again. I grabbed it and took a bite out of it.

“No Rosie, you play hairdresser with me!” I pouted some more, “Silly wife.”

“Emmett what did you want?” she asked me. I remembered and stopped pouting.

“We are out of yoghurt Cheerios,” I told her. No. That wasn’t right. I didn’t eat yoghurt Cheerios, “And jelly babies. Bella is going to get fat I tell you. Fat…” I whispered.

“Well go tell Esme then.” She picked up her bitten hairbrush again and looked at it. A flashback!

“I remember Rosie! I remember! Rebermerembery! I sure do!” Alice turned and looked at me.

“I think he wants to pick up his Care Bear from the dry cleaners, Rose” she said. Yes. That was another thing. I made an angry face to the ceiling where Edward and Bella were. I still had not forgiven Bella for spilling red wine on Mrs. Jinkerknickle. But drunken Bella was so much more fun than normal Bella. I had almost persuaded her to put on the crab outfit.

“Mrs. Jinkerknickle is still poorly, Alice. And Rosie, I have found something special,” I said.

“Special?” she asked.

“A lisssssst!” I hissed. I folded it into a paper plane and threw it at Jasper. He unfolded it much too slowly for my liking. “Afjj. Jasper, may I call you Solomon?”

“But my name’s Jasper, no you cannot ca-”

“Solomon it is. Solomon, you must open faster,” I told him and grabbed a can of whipped cream and sprayed it in his hair.

“Emmett, be reasonable.” I was rudely interrupted by Bella standing in the door.

“I still have not forgiven you for spilling red wine on Mrs. Jinkernickle. And don’t call me Emmett anymore. My true name is Grandpa Mudcat.”

“I’m really sorry Em- Grandpa Mudcat.” She blushed, probably remembering the crab suit.

“Uh, Emmett? Sesame street?” interrupted Alice. Little Alice, little, little Alice. Almost as little as my old guinea pig which died last week. I began sobbing.

“No, pixie little Alice. It’s Grandpa Mudcat. I miss Elmo. I really miss him. Pass me the watering can.” I took it from Alice and tipped it on my head. “Quack! Quaaaack!”

“Grandpa Mudcat, that’s not how you cry,” Solomon interrupted. “Also, please explain where you found this list- ‘How to Make People Happy’.”

Rosie glared at me as if she was angry. “Emmett, I thought we sa-”

“GRANDPA MUDCAT!” I screamed at her. “Now continue.” I smiled sweetly at her.

“I thought we said no more computer since you rented an Arabian wife last week.”

Ah. Picky, picky Rosalie. Rosalie, Rosie, Rose, Timothy, Rosie, Rose, Rosalie, Rosie, Rosalie, Rose.

“Hadiyya was a gift, Timothy. Don’t be nasty.”

“Timothy?” Timothy cried.

“Grandpa Mudcat.” I reached out to shake Timothy’s hand.

“No! My name is Rosalie,” Timothy argued.

“Ah yes. You are correct. It is,” I remembered and narrowed one eye at Rosalie, suspiciously.

“I’m going to Ikea with Esme.” Ah. Ikea. I sighed.

“Bring me back some flat-packed shelves, Rosiekins.” She nodded.

I waved at Solomon to read the list.

“One. Pretend you are invisible.

Two. Race the old woman for the last bus seat. Grandpa Mudcat, this is mean.”

I sprayed some more whippy cream in his hair.

“Three. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

Four. Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your bum.

Five. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you’re staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.

Six. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Seven. Take photos of people walking down the street and run away.” Solomon was rudely interrupted by pixie little Alice.

“Sol- Jasper, stop encouraging him! You know what happened when he wanted to get Bella in that crab suit.”

“What crab suit?” asked Bella. I smiled innocently at her.

“Eight. Walk up to random strangers and talk to them insisting you are family.

Nine. While going down in a lift stand silent and motionless in the corner, and

Ten. Call someone and tell them they left their phone at your house.” Solomon finally finished.

“Grandpa Mudcat, why are you telling us this?” Bella asked.

“Yes, it’s extremely silly.” Edward leapt out from the fridge in Rosie’s room.

“Well, I don’t know what extremely means, but I sure think fridges are great,” I ran over to the fridge and stroked it. “I will call you Squishy and you shall be mine.” And then I remembered that I was going to tell them. “Sneeze panda! Sneeze!” I cleared my throat, “As you all know, this list is special. I believe it is from the secret home of the mythical creature… the seahorse!”

“Uh, Grandpa Mudcat, seahorses are real. They aren’t mythical at all,” Alice told me.

I laughed at her, nodding, “Yes, Alice. SURE seahorses are real. Pee hee hee,” I rolled my eyes at her. Silly Alice. She still believed in seahorses. Obviously Solomon had not told her the truth. It was sure to shatter her some day. “Well, I believe it is from the home of the REAL creature, the seahorse. Pee hee hee hee hee. Come on everyone, for Alice. We can break her dreams that they’re real another day,” I said the last part in a whisper.

“Um,” Edward smiled at me. Come to think of it, everyone in the room was smiling at me, except Alice. She had one of her eyebrows very high and one very low. I giggled at her because she looked so silly.

“Grandpa Mudcat, you are my God. Please let me find some pencils to sharpen and stab Bella with,” I smiled and nodded at the fridge.

“Good.”

“What are you doing Emmett?” asked Solomon.

“DON’T BENJAMIN ME!” I shouted at him. How did he have the nerve?

“So we have to call Emmett Benjamin now,” I heard Bella updating Carlisle, who was standing at the door wearing a bow and a ballerina dress. Or not.

“Right,” he agreed.

“MY TRUE NAME IS NOT BENJAMIN!” I screamed and Bella started crying. Edward patted her on the shoulder, so I stood up from next to the fridge to join in. She began crying even more. “Don’t worry Bella. Nobody will hurt you.”

“B-b-b-ut, y-y-ou’re hurt-t-ing m-m-meeeee Emmett,” I realised I was hitting her quite hard on the shoulder. Whoops. Edward was pinching the top of his nose.

“Pinch, pinch, please wear the crab suit Bella,” said the fridge. I turned around to face it.

“Now is not the time!” I hissed. Bella stopped crying and raised an eyebrow. I threw the box of Kleenex at her. She sniffed. I suddenly had a great idea.

“We need to go shopping for guinea pigs! I know the perfect place! Bella and Alice will come with me!” I declared. Edward looked nervously towards Alice and Bella.

“Edward, we’ll be with her,” Alice reminded him. Edward smiled at her.

“But keep your opinions to yourself,” he muttered suddenly.

“Please, you guys! No more stealing of lines! No more! No more!” Bella screamed and assumed the fetal position. I looked at her for several seconds, then when she stopped moving, I looked away, happy she had stopped. She got up when she realised nobody cared and reached for the Kleenex, snivelling.

“So, I will call the roll and go over the instructions after that,” I said, reaching for my clipboard. I threw my yellow feather boa around my neck, “Please reply either, ‘here’, ‘absent’ or ‘lampshade’.”

“Fine,” Carlisle sighed. I smiled at him, glad he respected me.

 I grabbed his stethoscope and whispered into it, “May the seahorse be with you.”

“Ouch!” moaned Bella, as the fridge fell on her. Alice giggled and went to slap Bella out of her hysterics. Edward bitch- slapped Alice. I meanwhile, smiled blissfully, and sprinkled the watering can over their happy heads. I was met by some glum faces. So I smiled even more and blew them all kisses.

“Edward,” I began.

“Here!”

“Tim- Rosie?” I giggled

“Absent.”

“Carlisle?”

“Lampshade.”

I nodded, “Very good. Bella?”

“Lampshade?”

“No. Not very good at all, Bella. You must say it with more joy!”

“LAMPSHADE!” she shouted.

“GOOD! EDWARD?” I saw Bella grin. She ought to be very pleased with her progress.

“Yes.”

“Alice?”

“Yes, Sir!” and she saluted me. This made me happy so I curtseyed her.

“No, Alice.”

“What?”

“You are wrong. That was NOT ONE OF THE OPTIONS!” I jumped up and swung from the chandelier on the ceiling, landing at Alice’s size 2 feet. “Pee hee hee! You have small feet!”

“Geez, Emmett! Give me a break! Why can’t everyone just leave me alone!” and with that the hormonal little vampire stomped off upstairs to her room.

“Pee hee hee,” I giggled. Everyone narrowed their eyes at me so I giggled a little louder.

“That was not funny, Emmett,” Carlisle moaned at me.

“Ok. Hee hee. Solomon?” I carried on with the roll. Everyone looked around.

But there was no Solomon to be seen.

“Behold! Solomon!” I pointed to the corner of the room where Solomon was crouched up rocking side to side, muttering quietly;

“Bad vibes, bad vibes.”

“Maybe he is having hysterics,” I suggested. There was a breeze as Alice came back into the room.

“Hysterics? Do you want me to slap him?” she grinned. She liked slapping people. It was her bad habitat, you see.

“You can slap him as much as you like after I get my guinea pigs, Allywallywoo,” I told her. I held her hand and reached out for Bella’s and we all skipped out to the pet shop.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

That was it.

So go find my story to find out what happens when Emmett and his possy go to the pet shop.

It includes Oxfam, which is always a good thing.

And I really hope that if you read that, that you laughed, or giggled, or at the very least did that thing where you exhale really fast and snot comes out of your nose.

Review me. I will take a bite out of the sun if you don’t.

Spicy.

BS